The Passionate Life

I've been watching Chef’s Table ever since it first started years ago! While I'm not at all interested in cooking (Yes, I cook every day but it's painfully simple, just a few ingredients.), as an abstract artist I'm very interested in creativity.

Over the years I have watched every episode of Chef’s Table. (I’ve watched some episodes as many as half a dozen times!) Right now I'm rewatching all my favorites. It's been years since I've gone back and done such a deep dive. The surprise has been in how I watch these episodes now versus years ago.

What I notice now is a lot of suffering, failure, gut wrenching despair/burn out - but also focus, heroic discipline, perseverance, vision, profound engagement, and, yes, mind blowing creativity.

For the first time these episodes are becoming about a lot more than documentaries about individual chefs! In fact what I am learning from this experience doesn't relate to cooking at all; it relates to the sacrifices of pursuing truth and beauty, going as deeply as possible into the most profound kind of reflection, experiment and self discovery - to living a passionate life! Yes!

Brilliant Anarchy

Brilliant anarchy! I just heard this stunning phrase on a YouTube video. It was used to describe the brilliant playing of a particular contestant on the British program Piano II. Of course I right away applied the phrase to making abstract art!

When I paint/create, in what I now do indeed see as a form of artistic anarchy, I definitely cast off any rules or logic, principles of color or value, balance..., choosing instead a fierce independence that brooks no apology or criticism, no evaluation or judgment! O the wonder!

How Abstract Art Saved My life

When I started painting I never dreamed it would save my life but it surely has:

1. I was 62 when I started painting in 2012, fresh from finishing 30 years of homeschooling our six children. At the time I had made up my mind that I was not going to get into technology. I was fine with having a flip phone and not being online. 

It was abstract painting and wanting to share my work with people that got me to getting a smart phone, a laptop, learning about social media, renting a studio, getting a business card, which, as it happens, totally saved me from essentially letting the whole world pass me by!

2. Becoming an abstract artist got me thinking, asking questions, learning how to find my way as a creative, and connecting with other people, thus saving me from stagnation and boredom.

3. Painting/creating is a dynamic lifestyle that adds purpose and meaning to my life and is responsible for my continued development, keeping me constantly inspired by new ideas, saving me from the the kind of depression that torments many seniors.

4. My personal experiences as an abstract artist have saved me from thinking that getting to my 70s was the end of my best years! The truth is that, at least for me, getting older is actually the beginning of an amazing clarity, understanding, and vision! 

5. Most importantly, now 75, being a fully engaged abstract artist has saved me from physically/mentally declining by keeping me healthy and active. Having found what I love doing, my goal is to keep creating as long as I can! O the joy!

A New Beginning

In the last 2 months I have had what I would call 4 spiritual moments. First of all there was the revelation about my life long zeal for simplicity being a search for Christ, which is detailed in the previous blog.

Second of all there's the handcarved 4” wooden cross I bought the end of May. Never have I had such a profound response to a cross before this one! I tell myself that I am reaping a harvest of grace from all the prayers said by the monk who carved this cross! Third of all, this cross has led me to a renewed zeal for prayer, specifically the Jesus Prayer.

Finally, I recently found my way to an utterly amazing 50 min. video on YouTube about someone called St. Joseph the Hesychast. I like this video so much I have watched it numerous times and now sit with my prayer rope in hand when I watch - quietly praying the Jesus Prayer the whole time!

The result of these spiritual moments is that instead of keeping my Byzantine Catholic faith completely hidden from my public life as an abatract artist, as I have for years, I am totally going public! The first thing I have done is start a new page on Facebook: The Thebaid/ A Spiritual Oasis! While intended for Byzantine Catholics, of course it is available to everyone! Expect the unexpected! O the joy!

Searching for Simplicity

Simplicity has been a central part of who I am for as long as I can remember. Since having less didn't seem to fully satisfy me, however, somewhere in my 30s I began to wonder if I wasn’t looking for more than just being a minimalist. I spent decades mulling this over in my head. Then, finally, in 2017, when I was 67, while working on a 6'x12’ canvas I had a major breakthrough!

The insight that changed everything came down to this: For me, simplicity is a metaphor (!) for something much deeper than having fewer possessions. It's not less stuff I’m after, it's less of me ( interior simplicity, kenosis/self emptying) - and more of Christ! This was a huge spiritual insight that shook me to my roots and took me years to process.

Now 75, I have come to understand that this self emptying thing is not just a new insight it is a personal commission, a vocation/a calling, requiring action on my part! So how on earth do I decrease and allow more of Christ to live in me? The answer that jumped into my head just this week completely surprised me: Pray the Jesus Prayer!

When I pray the Jesus Prayer I now understand that by letting go of myself, detaching from everything around me, and whole heartedly putting myself at the feet of Christ in deep repentance I am, in fact, “practicing full in radical self emptying!

My fervent hope is that praying daily, the practice of self emptying to make more room in me for God's presence will become my daily habit, leading me to the true simplicity I have always desired. O the joy!

*Jesus Prayer - Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner is the full form of the prayer. I usually reduce this to Lord, have mercy.

Haiku

Though I’ve been writing *haiku in response to my artwork for years, until recently I didn’t realize how haiku has actually always been a part of my art practice!

Last week, going back over my Facebook page - Carolyn Ellis Art - I was shocked to see how many haiku I have written! Now whenever I post any of my artwoek I make sure I include a haiku!

I am currently at work putting together a ten page 5”×5” cardbook book that pairs my artwork with a haiku! O the joy!

*A haiku is a traditonal Japanese poem with three lines. The first line has only 5 syllables, the second line 7, the third line 5!

A Transcendental Dog Collar?

A few weeks ago I came upon a post online about a company called Atlas Pet Company (APC) - atlaspetcompany.com. Having 3 dogs, all of whom have collars and leashes, there was no reason for me to look at the APC website but I did.

As an abstract artist I right away responded to the beauty and simplicity of the APC Slip Collar's design (See below. Collar comes in 7 colors.). Looking at the pics on the website, I didn't see a dog collar at all! I saw a work of art - that happened to be a dog collar!

For me, the elegant simplicity of this Slip Collar's design, its bold, powerful appearance and superior craftmanship worked together perfectly to create a genuinely transcendent work of art - no surprise I bought 3 collars! The tactile experience of just holding the collar in your hands is incredible. Best of all, every time I take the dogs for a walk I get to experience all this transcendence and beauty all over again!

The fact that APC is a small, privately owned business, that the products are handcrafted here in the US from premium quality materials, only increased my excitement about APC.

The collar's practical benefit is that it's built with high quality, heavy duty materials (Lifetime replacement policy!) and is ridiculously easy to put on/take off and connect to a leash. Because of the heavy duty build, the collars got our dogs' attention right off the bat, which has translated into not just significantly fewer corrections on walks but also gentler corrections as well! Who saw that coming? Not me!

While the main reason I bought these collars is that I see them as deeply moving works of art, I have to say I also love supporting the Atlas Pet Company business plan to design, make, and market beautiful, durable, handcrafted, high quality products - all made in America - for our "best friends"! Currently I'm considering ordering the Atlas Lifetime Leash - not because our dogs need it - I do!

Note: I am not connected to Atlas Pet at all nor am I intending to market this collar. All I am doing is sharing my amazement over finding so much beauty in something as humble as a dog collar! CE

O the Joy!

As a child I don’t have any memory of the topic of creativity ever being discussed in either our home or at school. The thought of painting, of being an artist, didn’t exist at any conscious level in me at all.

It was only in 2012 when our children were mostly grown that I picked up brush and paint and tried my hand at abstract painting. Right off the bat, with my very first painting, fireworks went off inside of me telling me that I had stumbled upon something huge: my first ever passion - abstract painting!

Within 4 months of beginning to paint I found a venue to show my work (Sold 4 pieces!). Another 8 months and I rented my first studio, designed my first business card, bought my first smart phone and created my first Facebook/Instagram accounts. Eventually I created this website - carolynellisart.com.

Here in 2023 I am positively bursting with creative energy! How it is that at 74 I feel like I’m just being born I don’t know but it sure is great! O the joy!

On Abstract Art

Once you get that there are tons of experiences, truths, feelings, memories, emotions, beliefs, etc., that can't be adequately expressed in words, it begins to make sense that we need music, dance, sculpture - all the arts - to address an unending array of interior realities that are simply too rich to be fully understood and defined.

To experience abstract art we need to engage our hearts and minds, our imaginations, otherwise we only see the surface of things.

So why don't people buy art? I am beyond caring. I am way to busy making art!

Reinventing Old Age Part I

Last summer (2022), our daughter came to my husband (82) and me (72) with what sounded like a positively crazy idea: She suggested we buy a house together and combine households! She even had a house picked out for all of us!

Though Fred and I were completely taken off guard by the idea of living with our daughter, her husband - who is totally in favor of all this - and their new baby, right from the start we wondered if perhaps God might be using our daughter to speak to us about our future.

Over a period of months, our daughter has kept on this topic, had us look at other houses to share, as well as a couple prospective houses for us in her neighborhood. A few months ago she even suggested our buying rural property together and then building side by side houses on the acreage. Most recently she found a house we genuinely like on the street just behind her house and got us considering that option again.

The fact that Fred still works full time from home as an engineer and I am actively working as an abstract artist from my home studio, as well as being very much engaged in running our house, caring for our dogs, doing freelance writing, and devoting hours a day to playing Chopin on the piano, certainly does NOT make the case for our needing our daughter's help and support at this time but of course we know that the day is coming when we very well may need her help. While we see that day as being 5 to 10 years down the road, our daughter's most recent point, that we should make the move now to be close to her while we're healthy and independent and able to be totally in charge of every decision, actually makes a lot of sense to us. As a result, last month we made our decision: We are totally onboard and are currently prepping our house to be put on the market and looking to move 30 minutes away to our daughter’s neighborhood.

In fact, we have already found a very nice house just one street away from our daughter. The owner has done a lot of upgrades on the house, very good upgrades, almost too good really, which means there's very little room to negotiate if the seller is to recover the cost of the designer kitchen cabinets, the new high end stove, new granite counters, so called luxury tile planks in the kitchen and bathrooms, refinished wooden floors, etc.

At present (March 2023) our house isn't listed yet and our latest contingency offer on the house we want to buy has not gotten a response. I am agonizing over all this and have lost a bunch of sleep this week. I have to keep reminding myself that God is in charge, not me! But this much is clear: If this moves forward Fred and I are heading into a total reinvention of our senior years, which includes a level of family unity and sharing we never even considered possible. At this point, we have no idea how this is going to play out!

Anatomy of a project

Two months ago I created a professional handout online with moo.com. I liked the finished result well enough but when I figured out that each handout cost me a dollar I determined to see if I could create something that would be equally engaging but much more affordable.

Initially I thought of using markers to create artwork, which I would then take to some copy shop and have printed up, 4 to 6 postcard size pieces per 8.5”×11”.

I soon expanded that idea and decided to not just create one postcard piece but rather do a whole page of work that would yield 5 to 6 totally different pieces.

Taking my original work to Office Depot I ended up with just what I wanted - except for the fact that I wanted heavier paper then Office Depot had. To my surprise the young woman who helped me at Office Depot directed me to a fabulous paper store 20 minutes away, where I was able to get the heavier cardstock I wanted.

As it happens, this paper store turned out to be a goldmine! Founded in 1941 and still family owned, I have never seen such a huge selection of paper! The woman who helped me was wonderful.

While at the paper store I thought to inquire about the possibility of displaying my paperfolds there (15% of my art practice involves paperfolds!). To this end I left my business card which of course had my website on it - which includes a whole section devoted to paperfolds. The woman helping me said she would give my business card to the owner. No idea if anything will come of this but the woman who served me seemed hopeful!

When I left the paper store - with 5 free samples of very heavy cardstock - I returned to Office Depot to see if the cardstock was too heavy for copying. It wasn’t at all. My artwork came out great!

Once home, I started thinking of making a page of bookmarks to give to family. Then it came to me: Instead of taking the time to do new artwork for a sheet of bookmarks I can use the sheet I have already created and just cut long narrow bookmarks from one of them. Done - I love the result!

This whole project is typical of how things usually work for me: I get an idea, which is often improved by random events - in this case a stranger who works at Office Depot - which led to the paper store and some great paper, as well as another random event - meeting the woman in the Paper Sample Room - and the entirely unexpected possibility of not just exhibiting my paperfolds at this place but who knows maybe even getting to exhibit my abstract paintings!

On Truth and beauty - Part 2

When I started abstract paintimg in 2012 I had no idea it would blow the roof off my life and change everything but it certainly has. Somehow all the interior contemplation and energy that abstract painting unleashes in me has ended up expanding into my whole life leading to my writing, my reflections, podcasts, poetry, paperfolds, faith/prayer life... all informing each other, creating a completely unimagined unity all based on a quest for truth and beauty birthed in me by making abstract art!

Today, looking at a copy of Rublev's Trinity (15th century CE) I noticed a detail in the upper left corner which I immediately related to a detail from a painting I finished last week. The connection is utterly miniscule but has led to a whole wealth of amazing spiritual reflection for me!

As an abstract artist I find myself continually dumbfounded that using color and shapes that are completely disconnected from objective reality, I keep ending up uncovering the most amazing interior realities. O the wonder!

TRUTH AND BEAUTY

Truth, beauty, faith, prayer, time, eternity, art are topics I always have in the back of my mind. In a way you could call them my lenses for life, in that, without consciously thinking about it, my eyes and ears, my heart and soul, are always attuned to these topics. If any of them show up anywhere at all in my daily life, I pick right up on it and head into a “big think”.

Last night I watched a movie online, “In Our Prime (Korean, English subtitles),” that touched on truth and beauty via mathematics, which headed me directly into this new reflection.

While one of the main character’s love for math was no major surprise me, the same character’s reference to sometimes doing virtually endless manual calculation of a long, complex math problem as a means to being intimate with that particular problem totally blew me out of the water!

“To become intimate - you can’t do that by memorizing a formula. You have to get down and befriend it, to understand, then love it.” From In Our Prime

Even days after seeing this movie I am still trying to unpack this ravishing quote! In my life I relate all the key words to faith, to prayer and scripture.

Using “getting down” as a metaphor, I now see taking the time, making the sacrifice, to fast and pray, to read scripture, as “getting down,” getting intimate, with God - a totally new thought. So much more to think about here! O the joy!

Creative Insecurity

Last week I bought a 4'x5' canvas with the idea of scaling up one of my small works (6"×4"). I learned a big lesson from this: Enlarging a small work involves sketching the enlarged composition on the full size canvas - turning the whole thing into nothing more than a kind of paint-by-numbers experience!

After 15 minutes of painting I realized that I didn't want to go this way at all and gave up that whole project. I then flipped the canvas top to bottom and proceeded like I always do with nothing but intuition and spontaneity to guide me.

Reknowned architect, Frank Gehry, has this expression "creative insecurity,” which I see as part of the creative process for a lot of us creatives. It isn't something we get over - it is always there to some extent, especially in the beginning of a new work.

10 years into painting and I always begin new works, especially bigger ones, wondering if I will be able to produce something that shakes me up, entirely resonates within me!

While there is a barreness and emptiness, an unfinished aspect, to this painting, it speaks to me none the less, perhaps more to my soul than my eyes. Time, eternity, truth…they are all in this painting.

In light of current events in Ukraine, is it any wonder I see the black (darkness, evil, fear…) along the bottom of this painting as being eroded on the left by brightness and light which continues to push back from all sides! Victory to Ukraine!

In Search of Self

While I found my way to a serious faith committment when I was 22, I didn't find "my thing," my passion, until 2012 when I was in my 60s. In many ways I didn't find my way to articulating who I am at all until - today (2021)!

The key point of course is how to define "finding myself," that is figure out who I am. Today, at about noon on December 28, 2021 I finally realized that finding myself means finding purpose - my purpose. I didnt know it at all for many years but faith, marriage, and motherhood simply did not entirely fill my cup.

While I see the spiritual part of life as by far the most important part, for those of us not in vowed religious life, I think there has to be second part that organizes the rest of our life.

Dropping out of college, eventually getting married (♡) and raising/homeschooling our family (♡♡♡♡♡♡) took 30 years of my life. Being a wife and mother loomed very large over the entire landscape of my life during those years. That's who I was : a wife and mother. Then in 2012, by which time our youngest children were 14 and 16, I started painting - which changed everything for me. From my first painting, something deep down inside of me rejoiced. I like to think of this as a coming home experience.

10 years into painting I now see that while I have always been creative I didnt find my native language, so to speak, my particular art form(s), until I started painting! As it turns out, making art/creating isn't just another way to think and ponder for me; it's the way my whole being, my mind and soul, work!

After faith, in a most amazing way, making art/being creative entirely satisfies what I see as a God-given need in me to paint, to create, to ponder and reflect through making art, to respond and interact with life through the intermediary of art, in order to reach deeper understanding, even revelation, about truth, about beauty, and ultimately about God. O the wonder!

Art and Faith

I made the paperfold below about a week ago. I am still affected by it. There is a beauty here, a timelessness, a spiritual content, which I struggle to even put into words. In the front you can see a pyramid shape. On the left you can see another form. I think of it as the Holy Spirit.

Like many of my paperfolds, this one puts me in mind of the desert, which takes me straight to spiritual reflection:

"Drawn deeper into the desert, the early monks were drawn deeper into solitude, deeper into themselves, and at the same time deeper into community, deeper into God, the ground of being, and thus closer to the ground of being within us, for the depth of being of each of us is as strange and alien, yet hauntingly as familiar, as desert solitude...Spiritually and psychologically, the desert was a point of balance, of creative tensions and paradoxes. Going out to the barren desert is going into the fertile source of spiritual life....Contemplatiom opened (monks) to discovery of themselves, which entails both acceptance of oneself and realizing that one's being is utter nothingness unless it's base is God." From Introduction, PAPHNUTIUS translated by Tim Vivian

As an abstract artist I have been shocked to discover how making abstract art has led me to spiritual reflection/insight, prayer, to solitude, to self discovery, self emptying, personal and so much more! continue to be dumbfounded by how making abstract art leads me to self emptying, to prayer, to God.

When I started painting in 2012 I thought I painted to say something. Turns out I paint to receive, to learn, to be filled...! Who knew: My whole art journey is connected to my faith journey!

WHY I PAINT - Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about why I paint. Here I want to try and go deeper, give more details, about what keeps me painting by sharing a few of the insights that have come to me specifically because of making abstract art:

Emptying myself/clearing my mind is a central part of my art process. I never come to a canvas, or any creative project, with fixed ideas or even inspirations. Everything happens spontaneously in the moment.

About 3 years ago, for reasons I'll never understand, my mind took a major leap and applied this emptying myself concept to my attachment to simplicity. All of a sudden I was able to recognize that my life-long love of simplicity is not based on emptying my house of excess stuff but is a metaphor for the desire to empty myself of myself (getting rid of my arrogance, selfishness, dominance, judgments, criticisms...)! This was a huge life changing revelation for me!

Over the years, starting in 2012 when I first started painting and continuing to today, I have had lots of personal insights which have come to me precisely because of making art. For example, the connection between getting empty of myself, mentioned above, quickly led me to the further reflection that the reason I wanted to "get rid of myself," that is my character flaws, was to make more room for God - another total revelation for me! Nowhere in my life and experience had I ever thought that my faith life and my art life would ever turn out to be connected!

The ever increasing sizes of my unstretched canvases, my reliance on bold primary paints..., just about everything about how I paint, all turn out to have meaning, which takes me to the conclusion that far from being spontaneous and intuitive, my work is anything but random! There is intention and depth to everything I do - yet another revelation!

The more I paint the more I open myself to inner dialogues with subconscious influences and content that simply blow me away. O the wonder! Note to myself: "Never stop painting and creating, woman!"

WHY I PAINT

When I started painting in 2012, I thought I was doing nothing more than trying out a new hobby. From my first canvas, however, I quickly realized that painting had uncovered some deep wellspring of creative energy which simply had to come out and be expressed. That was 9 years ago.

I continue to paint because I am thriving on the whole experience of investigating color and form, of experimenting with media/materials. Thinking and reflecting about making art, marketing my work, writing about my experiences, creating every day, has led to my discovering aspects of myself I had no idea even existed!

Painting has increased my joy, enthusiasm, happiness, patience, perseverance, focus...as well as renewed my interest in writing and reflecting! The happiness I derive from painting/creating has ahad a huge positive effect on every aspect of my life - including marriage and family. Now 72 I begin each day totally excited about life - and profoundly grateful to be an artist!

A BROKEN artist

Dec.30. 2020, I broke my right ankle. (One of our dogs ran at me and totally knocked me off my feet!) Surgery was the next day. The following day. Jan. 1, 2021, I came home with 7 screws and a metal plate in my ankle to begin months of convalescence.

I had markers, a sketchbook, and some paper cups (McDonald’s medium coffee cups!) brought to me while I was in the hospital. In fact I would say making art is what got me through my whole hospital experience!

Thanks to Julie, my first Nursing Assistant, I discovered that the hospital is starting up an Arts Program for patients. Julie took the time to hunt up the flyer for this program and now, 2 weeks post op, I am already reaching out to offer some ideas.

The idea of using McDonald’s coffee cup hit me some years ago and eventually led to my scoring 60 free cups from McDonalds. I use markers on these cups to create what I consider first class art. Anyone who showed interest in my artwork while I was in the hospital got their own coffee cup. (I think I gave away 5.) Ishmael, my nurse for the last day I was in the hospital, had me sign and date his cup! (I also gave away 2 or 3 business cards!)

Now home, making art continues to be a significant part of my day! I’ve done a few more cups, done work in my sketchbook, recreated a cardboard box to hang on my walker so I can carry stuff, started a “newsletter" for our grandchildren (ages 2 to 8), written a pile of thank you notes on homemade notecards - all featuring my artwork - to various family members, and am now talking with (via email) a global charity about using my abstract art as a way to solicit donations!

I begin a new week tomorrow with at least half a dozen small art projects waiting for me, starting with three 7 day candles, which I am going to use markers on to create something colorful! While it’s true that staring ahead at upwards of 3 months for recovery is miserable to think about, looking at the same time frame and scheduling art/writing projects, producing a weekly newsletter for our grandchildren, blogging, making music (something else I love to do), and keeping up with *“Ishmael",” my new “recovery Facebook page, all the while thinking and reflecting on what else I can open myself up to during this solitary time, makes the desert in front of me look almost lush with life, growth, and possibilities! O the wonder!

• The name Ishmael is Hebrew and means God listens, which led me to use it for my new Facebook page!

ABSTRACTED

I painted this 6'x12' painting the end of last year. As with all my paintings, I came to this canvas with nothing at all going on in my mind - at least not on a conscious level. Once finished, however, I saw a powerful statement, a narrative really, which blew me away: That circle on the left is me! The smaller circle, way at the other end of the canvas, is our daughter! This daughter entered a Byzantine Catholic monastery in WA 2 years ago. The black square and small scale of the white circle are a reference to the humble, hidden life of monastics. In the bright colors surrounding "our daughter" in her new life I see a growing order, joy, and simplicity - all developing in the context of a life dedicated to God in contemplative prayer.

Back on the left you see me, my bright circle, but then there is all that chaos of passion (red), all those obstacles, along with what I take as a growing peace (blue), filling up the painting's middle section. Reading from left to right, I see myself moving from the tears and suffering (red) of releasing our daughter to God to eventually abiding in the trust and faith (blue) God is asking of me. It has taken me some time but I am finally learning to emotionally relinquish our daughter to the intense monastic life she has chosen, a life where she is happy and flourishing.

When I started painting in 2012, I knew I had stumbled onto something huge for me. The difference between my early years of painting and today is that I am now seeing a re-presentation in color of deeply personal truths which I had no idea even existed! Over and over again, through my bold, abstract artwork I keep running into astonishing thoughts and experiences, previoudly inaccessible to me on a conscious level, which turn out to reveal whole new insights about myself! This is not to say that other people are supposed to look at my work and find my story - not at all. We are supposed to look at abstract art with an unprejudiced eye and find our own responses.

In traditional Orthodox iconography, icons are spoken of as being written, not painted. I am beginning to apply the same idea to my paintings: Every time I paint whole new inner realities are revealing themselves to me. Instead of being random and spontaneous, my compositions are turning out to be intentional and meaningful! I am writing my story in color! O the wonder!